I recently posed a question to a group of people who have either adopted, are in the process of adopting, or who are advocates of adoption. I told them that my husband was willing to step forward to adopt Sealey, a 13 year old with special needs, living in an institution in Eastern Europe - but that he wanted to wait a little longer, to wait and see if another, younger, more suitable family chose to adopt the child (we are older - I'm 54 , he's 62).
I asked them to tell my husband why we shouldn't wait.
Why Sealey shouldn't have to wait.
Why Sealey shouldn't have to wait.
Here are their replies.
"The child is only going to get worse and harder to care for the more they decline...there will always be a reason to wait for us, but that child may not have that time. We committed while pregnant - can't get much crazier than that ! Hop on the crazy train !"
"It's also terrifying to think about, but I know many people, including myself, whose child has passed away unexpectedly before they could be adopted. You just never know how much time anyone has".
"Just what you wrote. The sooner you get him, the better his chances - you ARE the better family !"
"Because H accrued so much injury and so many physical problems in only 14 months, that even with the best medical care after adoption, he died. One day in an institution is a day too long".
"Frankly there isn't much competition for older kids who are in institutions. Each one who gets adopted is a miracle. The odds that someone else will choose that child between now and then are slim. You could also go through the process and not commit officially until the end, giving other potential families the most time to commit. But frankly, the kids need out sooner rather than later. When you are done, whether it is soon or in a few years, he will wish he had done it even sooner. Grab that baby out of the institution as fast as you can !"
"Yes, what others said. Our first two were 5.5 years old when we adopted them, and there was/is so so much damage from those 5 years, even 4 years later. They say it takes 2 days out of an orphanage for every one day they lived in the orphanage to heal. That means our kids will be teenagers by that point. But for a 15 year old who is adopted, that means age 45 ! Every day damages these kids and they don't have time to wait. "Older" parents are better than no parents (not to mention you've had years to gain wisdom and patience). (Nothing wrong with being an older parent, only saying that because your husband thinks so)".
"We adopted at ages 45 and 47 - could not have done it earlier, I am a much more patient and wise parent now than in my 20's/30's".
"The odds are SO small of a family adopting an older boy versus the damage that will be done by waiting. Plus a family looking for an older boy has plenty to choose from. It will mean two boys saved instead of one".
"What if no one else commits to this child ? He will wish, once this child becomes his son, that he did this sooner".
"I wonder every day why God didn't show us our soon to be son earlier. He turns 15 while I'll be there for our first trip. But it's all in the timing. You have no idea what challenges could occur once you start the process, and it could be too late. You could start now, and it might be a year or two before you get there, realistically. You just never know. But I will add you can't rush him ! He has to be ready, or it will not work".
"However long you wait, that many birthday celebrations, Christmas mornings, first days of school, family traditions. I watched a boy for almost EIGHT years before finally starting the adoption process - oh, if I only had a time machine ! I am now 62 years old".
"More years to bond, learn English and be educated before adulthood. My dad is 47 years older than I am, and I was soo thankful that my parents were mature adults when I saw how my friend's parents acted".
"Depending on the institution, it could mean that many more years for there to be abuse, neglect and self doubt. My husband and I adopted a child as he was aging out (like we filed with immigration 4 days before he turned 16). he had never been seen or advocated for. Go for it now ! Save him and get him into a loving family".
"It takes so long to go through the process. Starting now would be wise. And until you are there you don't "own" the child, so it doesn't stop them from being rescued. Wish it were "Scout" - blind and alone in an adult institution".
"Every fall, the orphanages prepare for the flu season. It's inevitable - some will die. In the institutions - especially for the bedridden kids, it's not an issue of "if", it's just "how many and who". In the baby houses, there is some medical care - limited, but some. In the institutions, the medical care is next to nil. In E's institution, the "doctor" on staff was actually a psychiatrist. Great for giving shots to sedate kids, but terrible for actual medical care when they got sick.
They don't stress like we do, when the fevers start, and the vomiting happens. There won't be IV's to rehydrate when they can't keep fluids down. It's the survival of the fittest - the ones who an survive, will - and the ones that can't will end up in graves out back.
We've adopted 12 kids from Eastern Europe, and this, this that I just mentioned, is the one reason I tell parents - if you think you want to do this, don't delay. It's not just because someone else might get there first, or because the orphanage damage will be greater.
It's because absolutely no one cares about that child, not in the way a parent does, while they're in the orphanage. The orphanage staff members have all accepted this cruel and brutal reality that orphan lives don't matter, and that death is just part of it, and nothing will ever change.
So ask your husband this, right now, if that boy he is drawn to gets cut, is he OK with the fact that he probably won't get stitches, that he'll just get some glue and then stinging medicine put on it, and they'll hope for the best ,and he'll have a huge scar ? Is he OK with the fact that if a bone breaks, there's a 50/50 chance if he's able bodied, that he'll get it properly set with a cast - and if he's bedridden, it's more like a snowball's chance in hell that he'll get medical treatment - that instead , it'll just be like the other kids that come home with limbs at odd, unnatural angles.
Can he live with the fact that if the boy soils himself, maybe with diarrhea or vomit from the flu, already feeling horrible, that he'll be yelled at, slapped, have it smeared in his face, probably after he's laid in it for hours ?
I tell potential parents this: every meal you sit down to, as you say grace, take 60 seconds to think about what that kid you might adopt is having - most likely a bowl of watery soup or dried out moldy bread. Maybe, if he's lucky, some stewed veggies and some veriniki dumpling type things. When you sit down to relax, to watch TV, to do anything fun, think about what his view is like, what his life is like. Every single thing you do - for 2 weeks, stop and compare lives. When you say your prayers at night, think about what he is praying for - because it's probably YOU. It's someone to love him, to get him out of there, someone to call him son. When you put on clean clothes, realize that he's still probably wearing the ones he's had on all week, torn, stained, stinky. When you are thirsty, have a fridge full of stuff to drink - he will likely go thirsty, or at best, have the brownish yellow contaminated water that flows through the pipes of the entire nation. When you have a little snack before bed - he's lying there, belly aching, from hunger.
I've never seen anyone last the full 2 weeks, honestly. Once you really start comparing lives - it feels cruel to leave him there. There are no perfect parents, no perfect families. When you're alone, and lonely, and no one cares - literally no one really cares - if you live or die - any family - any couple - will do. They just needed to say yes".
"It's so, so hard to live this way. but I wouldn't go back. The connection to humans everywhere is an unbearable burden at times, but so necessary. I will never forget the Christmasses and Thanksgivings and birthdays, of celebrating with families while my sons were in institutions or poverty, with malaria or bedridden in multiple casts. I will never ever forget the time I was at a family function where people were offering me fancy wine and cheeses and my son had just passed away in poverty, from pneumonia, due to lack of treatment and neglect and corruption, before I could get to him. Sometimes it feels like a weight or a cloud to keep others IN MIND and to keep yourself within reality and the magnitude of situations people are living in, but other times it feels like you have woken up and others are still dreaming. This comment is TRUTH. So many CAN'T be adopted because of where they live, or whatever, they will never be adopted. Others CAN, but no one will come for them. So many others just wait. They have no way to know if they will ever have a family in their future. So many die before they ever get a chance. Some are so bad off nobody will ever consider them. SO many prayers going up today".
"With our fourth adoption, kids #10, 11 and 12, we arrived to our then 9 month old daughter, who had been listed for months, with a black eye. How many times have I wondered, if we had moved faster, if we hadn't delayed, would she have avoided this ? Who the heck gives a 9 month old a black eye ? (they claimed she fell while walking. Y'all, she couldn't even sit up unassisted She didn't start crawling for 6 more months. She didn't try to walk for more than a year later. She was hit, by someone or something. No doubt about it).
While we live our lives, they suffer and sometimes die. Once we're able to go back, we'll go. Time is of the essence when lives are perishing.
Yeah, orphanages are hell on earth sometimes. Our J had double black eyes, and more wounds, bruises, knots and raw places than we could even count, on the day we met him. And this was after they refused to let us meet him for over a week - we literally has the DAP referral in hand, but the orphanage director refused to tell our facilitator - or the regional social worker - where he was (they had been shipped out for summer "camp"). He was 19 pounds, starved, beaten, dehydrated and drugged. They nearly killed him".
"Yeah, my daughter's gotcha day photos show a black and blue swollen face with a busted lip. She was a lying down child, but yeah she "fell" while walking in the playroom".
"I'm, 58, there is no time like now ! Also, living in God's plan is the best place to be !!"
"The damage done to these children is unspeakable. Please, if you are thinking you can wait and it's not a big deal - it IS. Every single day could be the last. Abuse, neglect, starvation. It's all a reality for these kids".
"I think being understanding of your husband's feelings is a good place to start. It is scary to be a parent at an older age, everyone will tell you "Do you know how old you'll be when the child graduates from high school, goes to college etc". You have to be very strong in your convictions to be an older adoptive parent. I can tell you that even though we are adopting from a different country, we thought the process would be streamlined because we were adopting a "waiting child". Sadly, we've had tons of unexpected delays, and our daughter is still waiting. My husband, too, thought maybe someone else would step up and adopt her - that didn't happen, either. We've learned older kids aren't chosen, the adoption process rarely goes as smoothly as you think, and children need parents and are grateful people stand up for them. If you feel strongly this child is meant to be yours, they are. I hope your husband will be able to be with you as well".
I"f your husband honestly feels that this is your son, then why on earth would he want to sentence him to a few more years in prison ?"
"I do understand your husband's feelings. I thought that someone would surely adopt Tanner - of course they would - just look at him - why are they waiting? I don't quite understand why God didn't hit me on the head with a shoe or something and say YOU go get him !! Maybe that constant whisper - you you you you you you you you go go go go go go should have been listened to".
"By the way, it took us almost EXACTLY a year to complete our adoption - start to finish - and we were rushing. Start now - trust in Him - and I LOVE the concept above of the 2 weeks. Just jump in and trust !"
"DON'T WAIT !!! It's so urgent !! If the Lord is asking you to obey and follow his lead, do so now !! Throw yourself at this adoption and trust the Lord to guide you !! When my husband and I committed to adopting a child with Down Syndrome, we sat down and listed every single reservation we had. Each one was simply fear. We just said "We cannot live in fear. We cannot make a decision based on fear. We can only live in faith ! If the Lord asks us to obey Him, He will sustain us, even if it seems impossibly difficult".
"What if he dies waiting for a family ??? If you both have a specific child on your heart then GO and go as fast as you can ! It may take years to get there, even if you move as fast as you can. That will break your heart, but it's still better than putting it off. These children don't have time. Many die before age 20. No-one is lining up to adopt older children".
"When the social worker asked my husband "Why do you want to adopt" my husband said "At the moment of my death, I do not want to be wondering what happened to the child I did not adopt". If your husband is serious at all, I would not delay in beginning the adoption. So many children die in orphanages every day".
"Another thought is that it takes time to complete an adoption, so you could do all the paperwork without picking a particular child. If your child is still waiting, then commit to him/her".
There are sometimes "virtual holds', but not much of a line to formally commit. It's often doubtful they'll be adopted in time.
"What is he scared of ? All these kids need out now ! Anything can happen in the next few years. You may not qualify then, the country could close, the child could pass away. Does he think he's too old ? If that child is listed and older, waiting for a younger, what he thinks is better qualified family to adopt him is taking a huge risk that he may not ever get a family".
"Our 25 pound 15 year old was held up to heat lamps until her back was a BRIGHT red. This was done because they believed it helped her skin condition. (she doesn't have a skin condition). They also sit and even TIE children to potty chairs for HOURS. They did this while we were there - I cannot imagine the things that were done when we weren't ! Every day MATTERS, people !
P.S. I'm 60 and my hubby is 59 and we have been home four months with our 7 year old ! And we also have 15 more at home I might add, from age 16-4".
"Because children die, frankly. If your husband has truly fallen for him and wants to adopt him, you all should not wait. This boy has already waited too long".
"The time it takes to complete a home study, dossier process, and travel, changes frequently. Don't wait".
"Take a trip and visit one of the orphanages. See the neglect first hand. I'm told that it is life changing".
"You don't wait if you're willing, because it isn't about you (as parents)".
"Ask him how he would feel if it was him waiting ? Every day I go nuts thinking about how my little girl and boy aren't getting held or snuggled because this is taking so long. That child needs his daddy".
I printed all of the above out, and gave it to my husband to read, on the morning of October 1st 2017.
He read the first couple of quotes, then refused to read any more.
To be honest, I thought I'd blown it - I thought I had pushed too hard.
However, later that day, he said yes.
He said YES !
He gave me the go ahead to get started with the adoption process !
We have now committed to adopt "Sealey", and have our first home visit with the social worker who will write our home study next weekend (yes, the weekend after Thanksgiving).
To all who replied to my Facebook post with the comments above - thank you !
If you or your spouse are contemplating adoption, I hope this post has in some way helped you to make your decision.
If adoption is something you haven't really thought about before, why don't you check out Reece's Rainbow's web site, where you will see hundreds of children with special needs who are waiting for a family.
Even if adoption isn't right for you, you can choose to advocate for the waiting children, or donate to them, or a family who is already in process to adopt - adoption is expensive !
Whatever you do, please do SOMETHING.
These kids have no chance without you.
We're coming, Sealey
!!
"It's so, so hard to live this way. but I wouldn't go back. The connection to humans everywhere is an unbearable burden at times, but so necessary. I will never forget the Christmasses and Thanksgivings and birthdays, of celebrating with families while my sons were in institutions or poverty, with malaria or bedridden in multiple casts. I will never ever forget the time I was at a family function where people were offering me fancy wine and cheeses and my son had just passed away in poverty, from pneumonia, due to lack of treatment and neglect and corruption, before I could get to him. Sometimes it feels like a weight or a cloud to keep others IN MIND and to keep yourself within reality and the magnitude of situations people are living in, but other times it feels like you have woken up and others are still dreaming. This comment is TRUTH. So many CAN'T be adopted because of where they live, or whatever, they will never be adopted. Others CAN, but no one will come for them. So many others just wait. They have no way to know if they will ever have a family in their future. So many die before they ever get a chance. Some are so bad off nobody will ever consider them. SO many prayers going up today".
"With our fourth adoption, kids #10, 11 and 12, we arrived to our then 9 month old daughter, who had been listed for months, with a black eye. How many times have I wondered, if we had moved faster, if we hadn't delayed, would she have avoided this ? Who the heck gives a 9 month old a black eye ? (they claimed she fell while walking. Y'all, she couldn't even sit up unassisted She didn't start crawling for 6 more months. She didn't try to walk for more than a year later. She was hit, by someone or something. No doubt about it).
While we live our lives, they suffer and sometimes die. Once we're able to go back, we'll go. Time is of the essence when lives are perishing.
Yeah, orphanages are hell on earth sometimes. Our J had double black eyes, and more wounds, bruises, knots and raw places than we could even count, on the day we met him. And this was after they refused to let us meet him for over a week - we literally has the DAP referral in hand, but the orphanage director refused to tell our facilitator - or the regional social worker - where he was (they had been shipped out for summer "camp"). He was 19 pounds, starved, beaten, dehydrated and drugged. They nearly killed him".
"Yeah, my daughter's gotcha day photos show a black and blue swollen face with a busted lip. She was a lying down child, but yeah she "fell" while walking in the playroom".
"I'm, 58, there is no time like now ! Also, living in God's plan is the best place to be !!"
"The damage done to these children is unspeakable. Please, if you are thinking you can wait and it's not a big deal - it IS. Every single day could be the last. Abuse, neglect, starvation. It's all a reality for these kids".
"I think being understanding of your husband's feelings is a good place to start. It is scary to be a parent at an older age, everyone will tell you "Do you know how old you'll be when the child graduates from high school, goes to college etc". You have to be very strong in your convictions to be an older adoptive parent. I can tell you that even though we are adopting from a different country, we thought the process would be streamlined because we were adopting a "waiting child". Sadly, we've had tons of unexpected delays, and our daughter is still waiting. My husband, too, thought maybe someone else would step up and adopt her - that didn't happen, either. We've learned older kids aren't chosen, the adoption process rarely goes as smoothly as you think, and children need parents and are grateful people stand up for them. If you feel strongly this child is meant to be yours, they are. I hope your husband will be able to be with you as well".
I"f your husband honestly feels that this is your son, then why on earth would he want to sentence him to a few more years in prison ?"
"I do understand your husband's feelings. I thought that someone would surely adopt Tanner - of course they would - just look at him - why are they waiting? I don't quite understand why God didn't hit me on the head with a shoe or something and say YOU go get him !! Maybe that constant whisper - you you you you you you you you go go go go go go should have been listened to".
"By the way, it took us almost EXACTLY a year to complete our adoption - start to finish - and we were rushing. Start now - trust in Him - and I LOVE the concept above of the 2 weeks. Just jump in and trust !"
"DON'T WAIT !!! It's so urgent !! If the Lord is asking you to obey and follow his lead, do so now !! Throw yourself at this adoption and trust the Lord to guide you !! When my husband and I committed to adopting a child with Down Syndrome, we sat down and listed every single reservation we had. Each one was simply fear. We just said "We cannot live in fear. We cannot make a decision based on fear. We can only live in faith ! If the Lord asks us to obey Him, He will sustain us, even if it seems impossibly difficult".
"What if he dies waiting for a family ??? If you both have a specific child on your heart then GO and go as fast as you can ! It may take years to get there, even if you move as fast as you can. That will break your heart, but it's still better than putting it off. These children don't have time. Many die before age 20. No-one is lining up to adopt older children".
"When the social worker asked my husband "Why do you want to adopt" my husband said "At the moment of my death, I do not want to be wondering what happened to the child I did not adopt". If your husband is serious at all, I would not delay in beginning the adoption. So many children die in orphanages every day".
"Another thought is that it takes time to complete an adoption, so you could do all the paperwork without picking a particular child. If your child is still waiting, then commit to him/her".
There are sometimes "virtual holds', but not much of a line to formally commit. It's often doubtful they'll be adopted in time.
"What is he scared of ? All these kids need out now ! Anything can happen in the next few years. You may not qualify then, the country could close, the child could pass away. Does he think he's too old ? If that child is listed and older, waiting for a younger, what he thinks is better qualified family to adopt him is taking a huge risk that he may not ever get a family".
"Our 25 pound 15 year old was held up to heat lamps until her back was a BRIGHT red. This was done because they believed it helped her skin condition. (she doesn't have a skin condition). They also sit and even TIE children to potty chairs for HOURS. They did this while we were there - I cannot imagine the things that were done when we weren't ! Every day MATTERS, people !
P.S. I'm 60 and my hubby is 59 and we have been home four months with our 7 year old ! And we also have 15 more at home I might add, from age 16-4".
"Because children die, frankly. If your husband has truly fallen for him and wants to adopt him, you all should not wait. This boy has already waited too long".
"The time it takes to complete a home study, dossier process, and travel, changes frequently. Don't wait".
"Take a trip and visit one of the orphanages. See the neglect first hand. I'm told that it is life changing".
"You don't wait if you're willing, because it isn't about you (as parents)".
"Ask him how he would feel if it was him waiting ? Every day I go nuts thinking about how my little girl and boy aren't getting held or snuggled because this is taking so long. That child needs his daddy".
I printed all of the above out, and gave it to my husband to read, on the morning of October 1st 2017.
He read the first couple of quotes, then refused to read any more.
To be honest, I thought I'd blown it - I thought I had pushed too hard.
However, later that day, he said yes.
He said YES !
He gave me the go ahead to get started with the adoption process !
We have now committed to adopt "Sealey", and have our first home visit with the social worker who will write our home study next weekend (yes, the weekend after Thanksgiving).
To all who replied to my Facebook post with the comments above - thank you !
If you or your spouse are contemplating adoption, I hope this post has in some way helped you to make your decision.
If adoption is something you haven't really thought about before, why don't you check out Reece's Rainbow's web site, where you will see hundreds of children with special needs who are waiting for a family.
Even if adoption isn't right for you, you can choose to advocate for the waiting children, or donate to them, or a family who is already in process to adopt - adoption is expensive !
Whatever you do, please do SOMETHING.
These kids have no chance without you.
